By CreativeFuture

Dear Google Human Resources,

Your former Head of Copyright, Fred von Lohmann, left his position earlier this year, prompting Google to place a job posting to fill his vacancy.

Following a thorough analysis by our in-house team of creativity defenders, we at CreativeFuture have determined that certain key details of the posting may be in need of revision – so as to present a more accurate portrayal of what the position truly entails.

We have taken the liberty of making these edits for you, presented below as red-lined corrections to the original document. Though the job posting has since been closed online, we trust you will make whomever steps into the role aware of the suggested changes, so that they may conduct their work with Google’s usual high regard for creative professionals and the security of their works in the digital space.

Head of Anti-Copyright

Salary depends on experience finding legal loopholes to flout copyright protections
Posted on 02/27/18

As Corporate Counsel Head of Anti-Copyright at Google, you work on the most exciting existentially threatening legal issues as disruptive disreputable technological innovations require cause creatives and proactive protracted legal guidance headaches. You’re part of a whip-smart happily deluded group of in-house lawyers and the projects and cases you take on challenge you artists and creatives to think big and differently about how to keep their works from getting pilfered for free online. You are collaborative conspiratorial – ready to partner in initiatives that influence all aspects of the business and work with Googlers from all over the company to make sure Google keeps making billions of dollars by selling ads against content they did not make or pay for. As an integrated part of the team, you proactively assess valid legal challenges to millions of copyright violations perpetrated by Google users and advise on products that will not only move information into the 21st century, but move keep information law forward as well mired in outdated safe harbor provisions.

As Head of Anti-Copyright, you will lead a team working on an array of projects that range from high-level strategy setting for weakening decades of U.S. support for creatives in the global marketplace that is vital to their growth in to rapid response on various issues (i.e. litigation for Google’s products that result in more than 900 million takedown notices annually, partnership outreach, and public messaging to continue keeping certain Members of Congress in the dark about what we do).

At the desiccated heart of the role is cross-functional coordination conspiring with partners in Legal, Public Policy, Corporate Communications, Product, and Engineering teams. You will draw on your expertise in devaluing copyright law, as well as sound rejection of fairness and fluency in current corrosive business and technology issues behavior in the Internet space.

20th century laws don’t always solve entirely failed to foresee how 21st century companies like ours problems, and Google Legal would craft innovative approaches for handling manipulating some of the toughest legal challenges of the information age in our favor. Whether you’re a patent attorney, an intellectual property expert or an engineer headed to law school, Google Legal lets you take on unanswered legal quandaries and create new precedents for evading liability for content that appears on our outlets. Our innovative services raise challenging questions that demand put the burden on creatives and practical answers to find and have removed their infringed copyrighted works. We provide those answers preserve this unfair paradigm by working at the crossroads of the law and new technology, helping Google build innovative and important products for users around the world to keep right on uploading infringing content even after receiving numerous takedown notices.

Responsibilities

Lead a global team of anti-copyright counsel in developing and executing our anti-copyright strategy and managing the company’s copyright risk. Manage team performance, provide mentoring and career development, and ensure that fresh-faced young hires never, ever question their utter devotion to our Supreme Overl—I mean, to the company.

Advise executive management and business and product leaders on twisting complex copyright matters to benefit Google. Provide strategic direction and oversight of key initiatives to force other countries to adopt the DMCA bailout.

Engage with Legal, Public Policy, Product, and Engineering in advising Google on anti-copyright issues and choices in its product development. Supervise and direct financial and resource planning and deployment for the Anti-Copyright Team.

Collaborate Conspire with in-house litigation team and outside lawyers on Google’s own litigation, both in setting strategy for weakening decades of U.S. support for creatives in critical international markets and in close attention to arguments raised in briefing, as well as monitoring copyright developments in litigation involving other companies that get upset when we profit off of their intellectual property without their permission.

Develop and implement anti-piracy strategies to address emerging challenges online to our complete and total global domination, including interfacing with rightsholder partners to identify opportunities for improved collaboration.

Minimum Qualifications:

JD degree or equivalent practical experience.

Admitted to the bar in which the role is located in and are in good standing or otherwise authorized to practice law (e.g., have registered in-house status) in the state in which the role is located.

Management and team leadership experience and a willingness to turn a blind eye to pirated content being uploaded to our servers on an overwhelming scale.

Preferred Qualifications:

Strength and versatility across the range of our substantive, well-deserved legal issues battles.

Ability to influence and work effectively across the organization. Strong diplomacy bull-s**ting skills and execution skills.

Credibility, low self-respect and trust of the team and counterparts a business model that values shareholder profits over the safety and well-being of Google users.

Demonstrated subject matter expertise.

Strategic and original thinker with excellent and pragmatic questionable judgment.

Sense of humor and humility ability to pretend like we’re doing some kind of public service.

Love of the game Whack-A-Mole.